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You won't understand, you can't understand. What it's like in our heads. It's so much I can't really explain it.

I listen to music, the silence, it's deafening. That high pitched whistle. Tinnitus. But there's the other things, a tap dripping, a pen clicks, a fan whirrs, oh how I hate fans. The music, it stops some of the sounds. 

The feel of things on my skin. Wool is the worst, it's like some sort of lava sandpaper. Denim, so unforgiving and rigid. It sits in hard pieces digging at me. 

Soft, gentle. Yes. 

My fingers. They need stimulation, they need to move, feel, touch. It helps my overloaded brain. Distraction. Slow it down.

My brain, oh my addled brain. It takes in so much. And it's all separate, my brain doesn't go car, my brain goes blue Toyota Camry with one headlight more translucent than the other. Then multiply that by all the cars. It's working hard to process everything, all the time. Too many things and it overloads. 

People. Ohhh, trying to talk. One person is ok. My mind will process, what is their face doing, are their hands moving. What are they saying, is there extra information I need to process because they used their hands, where do I look. Oh, facial expressions need to process those too. I need to reply soon. Keep it in your mind. Prepare an answer and have it ready so you sound normal. Is it going to sound acceptable? Must process all of it. I can keep up. Until there's another person and I have to double my efforts. 

I have to go out in all this and restrain myself. Look normal. Wear a kind of mask to fake being like you. It's so tiring keeping up the charade. 

But people know. They know, the mask slips sometimes. Some are mean. Different is bad. Aspie is an easy target. Feel power by being above another. Take down the easy one. Picked on for being not like you. How you revel in our discomfort. We hide, retreat. Then we get hated at work. Not a team player. First to get fired or looked over for promotion. 

Or we get pushed locking ourselves down more and more until we explode. Hopefully we make it home first. Older we get the more we can suppress it. 

We take drugs or drink alcohol. Oh we do so often. Our minds slow you see, we start to think clearly. Body's start to numb. Maybe even get close to your thinking. Nice to go there for a little. 

No, we don't long to be you. We want to be us. With our thoughts and feelings. Even if it's hard. 

And we want to be loved still. Oh to be loved. Sometimes they come and they love us. Beautiful souls.